The other day, I heard a mother say: “my son, who is five
years old, drinks five litres of milk a day.”
I asked her if there was some particular reason for this. She said
there wasn't. I then asked her why
her son would drink these five litres of milk, and she replied: “I
don't know why, he just does. Both our doctor, a specialist, and the
health visitor says he shouldn't do it. But we love him too much, so
we let him.” She was convinced
that it was out of love that she let her son drink the excessive
amounts of milk.
We then discussed what loving our
children really means.
Does it mean:
-
Giving your child sweets and
candy?
-
Letting your child decide for
him-/herself what time to go to bed?
-
Letting your child decide when and
what to eat?
-
Letting your child decide when to
go outside and play?
-
Letting your child decide what to
watch on T.V.?
-
Letting your child decide what
clothes to wear?
-
Rewarding your child though he/she
has done nothing to deserve it?
-
Yielding to your child every time
he/she throws a tantrum, whether at home or out and about?
-
Generally letting your child have
its way?
-
Deciding for your child what
education would be suitable?
-
Being unrealistically ambitious on
behalf of your child?
-
Giving your child more
responsibility than he/she can handle?
The mother thought about this for a
couple of days. She then told me that she thought she had let the
child drink excessive amounts of milk out of love. But now, she felt
that love was not the issue – as a mother, she had to put her foot
down when she felt something was wrong for her child.
Doing the right thing
as a parent?
When you bring a child into the world,
it is important that you – as parents – consider what goals you
have for your child. Generally, most parents want their child to:
-
Have respect
for their parents and for other people.
-
Be of value
to him-/herself, to the family, and to society as a whole.
-
Have an
education, a good job, and so on.
We all know that
today, it is no longer enough as a parent to feed and clothe your
child – we expect a lot from our children, and so does society.
Even though all parents want what is best for their children, and do
their best to help them achieve it, our wishes are not always
fulfilled.
There may be
several reasons for this:
-
We have not
set clear boundaries for our child.
-
We have not
spent enough time with the child.
-
We have not
given the child sufficient opportunities to develop.
-
We have
overestimated our child's talents.
-
We have had
our own plans for our child's future, not taking the wants and needs
of the child into account.
-
We have not
listened to our child
-
We have given
over too much responsibility to our child
-
We have not
stimulated our child intellectually
When it comes to
raising children, one of the most important things to do as a family
is to agree on a strategy for bringing up your child. Parents should
discuss among each other what values they hold to be important in
raising their child, and reach on agreement on how to go about it.
Otherwise, the child will soon figure out which parent is more
lenient on which issues, and respond accordingly.
How
to set boundaries for your child
Here are some
examples of how to set boundaries in day-to-day life:
Bedtime troubles
Bedtime
is well-known cause of conflicts. You may want your child to go to
bed, say, around 8 pm. But your child makes up excuses: I'm hungry,
my tummy hurts, I want to watch T.V., I want to wait until daddy gets
home, I'm not tired, etc.
If
you know that the child had a filling meal not long ago, and that
he/she really is
tired, you should , in a kind but firm manner, let the child know
that this isn't a matter for discussion. Stand your ground, even if
the child cries, bawl, and throws a tantrum. It is important to let
the child know that you
are in charge, and bedtime is NOW!
Once you have got
the child into bed, and calmed him/her down, you should do your best
to create a nice and agreeable ambience while the child falls asleep.
Turn the lights down low, lower your voice, speak in calm and
soothing tones, read with the child, tell a story, or sing a song. It
can also be a good idea to give your child something to snuggle up
with – for instance a teddy bear. Make sure your child ends the day
on a high note!
Repeating this
pattern for a couple of weeks, you may notice that your child no
longer resists you as fiercely as before, or even begins to look
forward to going to bed, because you have created a comfortable and
pleasant ritual around it. Your child will develop a regular sleeping
pattern, and therefore will be more energized, happier, and have a
higher capacity for learning new things, as well as a new-found
respect for you as a parent.
Eating
Meals
are a great way to spend time with your child. Many families have
trouble with their children around mealtimes. The child won't eat,
wants to eat something else, won't sit down at the dinner table,
wants to watch T.V., wants to go outside and play, etc.
The child won't eat
Respecting
your child's natural appetite is important. Because growth happens in
bursts, your child will need to eat more during some stages of
childhood development than during others. Children's appetites are
self-regulating. If you force a change in their appetite patterns, it
could have grave ramifications for the child. he/she could grow up
overweight, too skinny, or become prone to disease.
The child wants to eat
something else
If
the child wants to eat something other than the meal you've prepared,
or becomes troublesome regarding the food served, you should again
stand your ground – kindly but firmly state that this
is the food you've prepared, and it's the food your child will have
to eat. Don't offer to cook something else for the child. If you do,
your child might grow to be fastidious or fussy about his/her food.
Your child needs a varied and healthy diet, including different types
of vitamins etc.
The child causes a commotion
at mealtimes
It
is important that you create a pleasant and agreeable atmosphere
around mealtimes. For instance, tell your child that you have
prepared a delicious meal, let your child help you set the table, and
make sure that your child is comfortably seated, in a high chair or
such, while eating.
If your child is
old enough to handle a fork or spoon on his/her own, don't feed
him/her. Let your child eat for him-/herself. If your child creates a
commotion, or is fiddly or noisy, ask him/her if something is the
matter. If nothing is wrong, insist on a calm and suitable behaviour
at the table.
Don't let your
child watch T.V. or go play when it's mealtime. Eat together as a
family if at all possible. And teach your child to be thankful that
someone has taken the time to prepare a good meal for him/her. If
your child has assisted you with the cooking, be sure to thank
him/her for the helping hand.
It is important
that the child learns to appreciate it when mum or dad has done
something for him/her, and vice versa – it creates a sense of
comfort, happiness, and mutual respect within the family. The parents
are responsible for instilling healthy eating habits in the child,
habits the child will need later on in life.
Learning language
In order to
develop a mastery of language – both Danish and the mother tongue –
your child will need linguistic stimulation. You can help provide
this by playing, reading, and singing with your child. Language-wise,
your child is like a giant empty bowl that needs constant filling,
even if your child has not started talking yet. Expose your child to
all manner of language, and once it starts talking, it will be better
able to express itself and to converse with others.
A child who has a
thorough knowledge of language will be better suited to dealing with
problems along its way, and will ask if there is something he/she
doesn't understand.. Your child will be happier and better able to
express him/herself.
Read to your child
Read to your child when you want him/her to calm down, when you
spend quality time together, when it's bedtime, etc. With time, your
child will grow to have a larger vocabulary, you will have given your
child the attention it needs, and you will have opened your child's
eyes to the world of books.
Talk with your child
When you are telling your child
something, or you want your child to do something for you, remember
to always use the proper names of things. Instead of: “bring
me that pitcher over there”
you could say: “bring
me the red pitcher that's sitting on the round table by the
door.”When
dressing your child, talk to it about the clothes you are giving it
to wear. Ensure that you always prepare your child for what happens
next. Maybe your friend is dropping by in a few minutes, and you are
all going shopping by car. Ask your child whether he/she feels you
need to buy anything in particular. Or make a deal with your child
that he/she can have, for instance, kr. 10 to do his/her own shopping
with. If your child wants to buy an item costing kr. 15, you should
explain that he/she cannot afford this. Consequently, your child will
also learn the value of a dollar, and something of financial
limitation.
Communication
Express yourself on your child's level. If you want your child to
be interested in itself, its family, and the world around it, it is
important to talk with the child. That is: teach the child how to
discuss the world around it. When your child says something, be
interested. Ask why the child says this, why it thinks or feels this
way about a certain issue. Try to get your child to reflect on the
causes of its actions and emotions. Teach your child to listen when
someone is talking. The child should learn not to interrupt its
mother, father, sister, brother, or others, and to respect the
thoughts and opinions of others.
Love and support your child by:
-
Teaching your child the difference between right and wrong.
-
Picking up on your child's signals.
-
Helping your child develop desirable habits.
-
Helping your child have a regular rhythm to their daily life.
-
Knowing the range and limitation of your child's
capabilities.
-
Giving your child attention.
-
Teaching the child to respect other people's opinions and way
of life.
This article is written by Esma Birdi.
Esma Birdi was born in
Turkey. She has lived in Denmark since 1972. Since 1989 – after six
years working in the private sector – she has been working as a
freelance interpreter, cultural consultant, and lecturer. Further
information on Esma's home page: www.esmainfo.dk
Translated from the original
Danish.
